Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Why is no one talking about this?!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.