6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I hate my earbuds.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.