An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
These are my roll models.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”