Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account