Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Breaking news:
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Tremendous stuff
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*