My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!