Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no