College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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“Hola! I’m Se帽or Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya鈥檒l.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 馃檨
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’茅ponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick 茅toile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you鈥檝e just finished so you say something like: I鈥檓 done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don鈥檛 call your bluff
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I鈥檒l keep you posted.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald鈥檚 WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”