The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: