Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Here’s a meme
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Human are so complicated
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.