[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Not my job 😂
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The internet is full of many things
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.