Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Spa day..😅
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately