jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.