Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?