[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
What number SPF blocks people?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.