My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
(by @ZachWeiner )
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Meow?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated