Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.