I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
having children is a pyramid scheme.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!