If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad