Flowers bee like
You Might Also Like
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.