I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
don’t be scared
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.