My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
when you don’t want to be too vague
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.