I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*