Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I have many caverns
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.