Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You Might Also Like
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The only good comments section online is on recipes
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair