son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos