Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
You Might Also Like
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Smooooooth
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground