My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.