Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.