I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning