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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.