I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
🦝🔥🦝🔥
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Had to try this trend 😊
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
This is me 🤣🤣
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play