<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.