Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.