I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Catering service
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym