Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Warm pools make me nervous.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.