The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
You Might Also Like
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
FRED: right
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.