“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I think they could have phrased this better
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*