*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Succinctly put.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it