BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.