MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force