Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Customize Your Wedding.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA