“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga