What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
New menu item
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.