David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
wtf is an acronym
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!