My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dietest Coke
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet