I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Sharon I have some bad news
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.