Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!