Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.