Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.